I also thought of something I heard in therapy, something from the Buddhists about how opening yourself up to opportunities and not staying static was imprtant in trying to live a happy, healthy life. About an hour before I finished work, I started to think about how I'd feel at home later that night, on the couch-safe, watching Netflix-again. I even text my girlfriend and told her that I probably wouldn't go, that I wasn't feeling up to it. Smiling and trying to appear normal as I wrestle with the anxiety demons which torture me just beneath the surface of the smile. The old doubts started to creep in and my confidence dwindled. I had planned on going to a 21st party, but as the day progressed I felt more and more like I wasn't up to it. It was a Saturday, I spent the morning in agony, doubled over with cramps, as a result of what I had ate the night before. With this in mind I took a decision recently which I'd describe as brave, out of character and a step in the right direction. Sure, I've been dealt a certain hand and can only play within certain boundaries but the person I am will be dictated by the choices I make. Realising their importance, and taking responsibility for them. With that in mind I'm starting to focus on the fact that I have to start "owning" my choices. As Sartre said: "We are condemned to freedom". Thousands of choices, day after day, each of them steering our lives in a certain direction. The choices we make define who we are and what kind of life we live. I'm starting to understand more and more how life is just a series of choices. New Year, without any of the usual short-lived resolutions. However, the time between posts is shortening so I'll focus on the positive. A month since I wrote here, some thing never change.
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